Turning up in a new city where you know no one, nor speak the language, can be scary. We all need friends. No man is an island. So how do you go about finding comrades in Shanghai? Well, there are many strategies. Here are just a few, as well as a rundown of the kind of people you will come across, and may (or may not) want to avoid.
Hostels
Unless you’ve been sent to Shanghai by your boss, and therefore have a fully furnished apartment at your disposal from day zero, you will probably need some interim accommodation between landing and finding a place of your own. Some people go to hotels. I say go to a youth hostel instead. Hotels are horrible, impersonal spaces, where the only person you’re likely to talk to is the receptionist, or some sweaty western chap in the cocktail lounge who will want to tell you every detail of his holiday so far. Thus, the humble youth hostel is a wiser choice. Firstly, it’s cheap. This means that you can save your money for worthier pursuits, like stupidly-priced cocktails at those Bund bars that you only ever go to on your first weekend in Shanghai then scorn for the rest of your time here. Secondly, a lot of newcomers go to hostels with the very aim of making friends who may also be looking for future room-mates. I found some of my best friends this way.
Networking Events
I don’t like the concept of networking. A room full of pushy corporate types with pocketfuls of name cards is enough to put the chills up me. It’s all so contrived, so artificial. However, I begrudgingly admit that they can be quite interesting. I went to one such event in February. Luckily for me, my fellow ‘networkers’ (eurgh) were mainly media/creative folk, which meant that I found a few likeminded guys with whom to frequent local bohemian haunts and bemoan deadline crises over Blue Mountain blends. But I also left with more than I bargained for. She seemed normal enough to begin with, but Ms. Zhu (name changed to protect her identity – and my back) soon revealed herself to be more than a little strange. During the following months she bombarded me with messages offering to teach me Shanghainese, and went so far as to add all of my friends and my mother on Facebook. Hell, even I thought twice about adding my mother on Facebook… So be warned. Networking events are all well and good, but make sure you filter.
Hobby Groups
Joining a group is the sort of thing that people advise you to do when you are lonely/depressed/newly single, but it truly is one of the best ways to meet people who like the stuff that you like. However, don’t expect that sharing a passion for acting/writing/football/tai chi will bind you to your new buddies for life. Some people can be quite careless with their affections. For example, I had a brief stint as lead singer in a jazz band. All went well; we had some rehearsals, did a gig, added each other on Facebook and Twitter, went for drinks – the usual milestones of new friendship. After the gig I didn’t hear from them for a while. Then, one of them Tweeted that they were playing another gig. Without me. Charming. So yeah, don’t count your chickens.
Random Efforts
This is mainly ‘meeting people in bars’. Not just sexually speaking. I’ve actually met a lot of my close friends in Shanghai bars. Being an expat gives you something to talk about - namely, being an expat. The same goes for cafés. By virtue of your very being there, you have something in common with your tablemate. And it’s not like England or the States, where an unsolicited conversation in a café can end with a restraining order. On a different note though, a friend of mine decided to take a more unusual tack where making friends was concerned. He printed ‘Wanna be my friend?’ in English and Chinese onto some business cards and left them in various locations around town. He actually met some people who weren’t complete weirdos, so sometimes going off-piste can work in your favour. Just make sure you meet in a public place to begin with.
Then there are the groups, cliques, and stereotypes. Stereotypes are bad, you may cry. They are unfair, and foster prejudice! Whatever. They’re funny. And usually true.
The China Experiencers
These guys are the real deal. They love China. They hate the expat scene. It’s so fake and tacky, you know. Zapata’s? Oh god, never. They prefer to spend time in backstreet noodle bars where they can hone their Mandarin (HSK Level 756) with the waitstaff. They have dabbled in Daoism. Every weekend they go off exploring the countryside, experiencing. They have the key to the real China. They also have a superiority complex, and often an irritatingly adenoidal voice. They do fifteen language exchanges per week, and speak only Mandarin, apart from when their moms phone them on Skype. They will never, ever leave. And they’ll only be your friend if you know at least 500 hanzi.
The Old China Hands
Natural progression means that if a China Experiencer stays here long enough, he will eventually don the mantle of Old China Hand. They are usually male. They have lived here for a long time, pretty much since the Ming Dynasty if their wise, slightly pompous proclamations are to be believed. A lot of people worship them (especially China Experiencers, in whose eyes they are akin to deities) but don’t be fooled. They are tedious, and the only thing you will really learn from them is that there are better things to do with your time than becoming au fait with the dialectal proverbs of northern Gansu. They begin every sentence with “The thing about China is…” or “Shanghai is so different now. Too many expats. In my day…” Yawn.
The Lost Boys
The cousin of the Old China Hand, the Lost Boy came to China around the same time, but never found his niche. He can be observed in those god-forsaken, hooker-infested neon-fronted dive bars that you’d never dream of going into, and Reagan was president when he was last sober. Lost Boys are fun to have as friends. They’re always up for a drink, and have genuinely interesting tales to tell. Expect to pick up the tab though - they’re usually broke.
The French
Ah, the French. There are lots of them. They tend to stick together. No one minds.
Career Expats
These folk live either in Gubei, some fancy French Concession shikumen conversion that they furnish with overpriced antique furniture and boast about, or in the villa towns of Pudong. They don’t really want to be here, and are counting down the days until their company sends them somewhere a bit more, well, palatable. They hardly see, let alone speak to Chinese people, and live their lives in a bubble of Carrefour, air-con and Xintiandi. In my mind, these guys are worse than the Old China Hands. At least O.C.H.s make the effort, however tiresome.
The Party Kids
Batten down the hatches. The party kids are in town, and they’re here to party. Did you get that? PARTY. Usually (but not exclusively) American, they know the name of every club and bar within minutes of being in Shanghai, and only see 7am when they’ve partied through it. A fun crowd, but frat-boy humour can wear thin pretty quickly.
So there you have it: a map to guide you through the vagaries of expat friendships. Tread carefully… It’s a jungle out there.
